by Lisa Sheldon
It is a crisp Wednesday morning in January and your first grader is in her room getting dressed for school. The day is starting off well, up in plenty of time, and in the kitchen she walks… bright red tights, blue sun dress with white polk-a-dots, one Dora the Explorer sneaker, one patent leather Mary Jane, hair unbrushed with seven different uniquely placed hair barrettes and, to pull it all together, she has topped it off with her hooded zip up camouflage jacket that matches Dad’s.
At this point there are two extreme schools of thought when personal expression and individuality clash with common sense and parental boundaries.
The first: Your child is simply shining with creativity which should never be discouraged at such a young and tender age. As a parent, one should greet her with a smile and compliment her on her grand choices in color and unique blending of the seasons. Feed her whatever she requests for breakfast, skip merrily to the school bus and send her on her way.
The second will usually begin with a statement something like, “You are not going out of this house looking like that. You look like a clown.” And with one foot stomped firmly on the floor, holding the right arm outstretched, index finger pointing to the child’s room, “go change into what I laid out for you or I will change you myself.”
As usual, the sensible and non-tantrum, non-tearful solution lies somewhere between these two extremes. Since these types of challenges will continue through the child-rearing years, let’s see if we can get through this as painlessly as possible.
Common sense is the easiest factor to pull out in this situation. “I think we better head back in your room and find something more appropriate for January than that pretty sundress.” Then, parental boundaries on good hygiene can come into play. “You know the rules. We always brush our hair before we leave for school in the morning.” But, being pro-active can eliminate most of this all together.
As soon as your child, boy or girl, starts showing interest in their own style, it’s time to include them in the decision-making about the clothes they wear. That does not mean turning all decisions over to them. It means giving them a set of choices – all of which are acceptable to you. Some parents choose to lay out two outfits the night before and let their child choose from them which they will wear the next day. One friend of mine chose five outfits on Sunday and let her daughter choose each day which outfit she wanted to wear each day. Of course with girls an outfit means clothes, shoes, socks/tights, hair bows and other accessories. (Thank God for boys. Yes, I say that on a regular basis.)
Decision making is another skill our children need to learn and we need to teach them, but within boundaries of common sense and reality. Likewise, individuality and creativity are positive attributes that our children need too. I am in no way advocating cookie cutter kids. But, when a child leaves for school, they need to be clean, groomed and dressed appropriately for the weather and the day’s activities. Beyond that, personal expression is between you and your child. However, your younger child may not consider the consequences of some choices, like ridicule, laughing, staring and pointing. As parents we have to consider this for them to ensure that they are not surprised and possibly heart broken by intentional or unintentional childhood cruelty. Of course your little one may not be concerned with this at all.
Another thought that comes to mind at any age when a child makes any sudden changes is, “why.” Is it an expression or curiosity, or a need for a little attention (or a lot)? Sometimes, they will settle for negative attention if that is what is easier to get. If attention is the issue, especially with older children, it’s time to find the root. We’re back to communication. Talk just enough to get them talking, then listen.
It may be crazy clothes at six. At eight, they may decide all they want eat is mashed potatoes and fried bologna. At ten, they may decide they don’t need to bathe. At twelve they may decide they don’t need a belt or a barber. Whatever these personal choices are, they are endless. Remember, that’s what we’re trying to teach them to do: make good choices. In turn, we have to help them through the bad and unpredictable.
Lisa M. Sheldon is a wife & mother with 12 years experience in early childhood education She is also a columnist and advertising director for The Calhoun Chronicle. Questions and comments may be sent to: brightideaswv@yahoo.com.
